Monday, February 23, 2009

Why submit?

The quick and easy answer to that question is: because I want to, I need to, and because I choose to.

Although this is an accurate and honest answer... it really doesn't answer the question... Why do I choose to submit. After serious self evaluation and alot of deep thinking and reflection on my life; I came to realize that the answer isn't as simple as it seems.

I have often described myself as a contradiction of myself. And this is true on so many levels.

Looking at my past relationships with men, I naturally go for the weaker men. I need to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. I must feel important to my men. I want to be the main focus of my men's life. I want to be their all. Quite simply, I want to possess my men. I realized long ago that I flock to the men that I can control. It has always been my way or the highway. Do things my way or be gone. I want the men to serve me. Why do things myself when I can easily get someone else to do them for me? And honestly, getting weak men to do things for me is quite simple. I either charm them into doing it, seduce them into doing it, or I intimidate them into doing it. I can easily bring out the good qualities in these men and snuff out the qualities that I don't like in them.

Even as a child, I was always the one in control. I was raised by my single mother. She had to work alot to support my brother and me. I was the oldest and naturally, I became the authority figure at home. I tended to the domestic chores. I tended to my brother. I made sure the household was running and my brother was taking care of. As a young adult, I continued to take care of my mother and my brother. During my first marriage I was the one in control. Again, I took care of everyone. I was the rock. I ran every thing from my husband's career, our house, our kids, our friends. Too an extent, I thrived at being the one in charge. The same could be said in any of my other relationships... until a few years ago.

The problem is, once I possess that man and have him doing my beck and call... I lose interest in him. They become boring. They are no longer a challenge for me. I discard them and move on to the next victim. And therefore, most of my relationships have been short termed, never lasting very long (with few exceptions). So why then am I not a dominant, since this seems to be my born instinct? Why do I not embrace this natural dominant nature and be what I am?

Although I am agnostic, I was raised with penecostal values and beliefs. I have sense come to my own conclusions and don't necassarily believe in the values that I grew up with. With that being said, I am somewhat old fashioned. I believe the man should be the one in charge of his household. Men should be strong and women should be weaker. That is to say, the natural order of things should be that way. Even in the wild, most species is provided for and protected by the male. The female generally is the one to tend to the nest. In the natural rank of things... the female comes in second. I have always felt that this is the way it should be with the human species as well.

Because of this way of thinking, this belief, I have never seen myself as "right" (for the lack of a better term). I feel I am wrong to want to control my man. It's not natural. A woman should not be the one in control. Even though I am bisexual, I chose to spend my life with a man. By making this choice, I feel the man should be the one in charge. If I had chose to spend my life with a woman, I could gladly and happily take control of her and be the one in charge of our life. However, this was not my choice.

I came to this realization several years ago about myself. I do not like being the way I am. I can (and do) walk all over my partners given the opportunity. But this is not what I want. It's not how I desire to live my life. So I have to fight the nature of myself. I have to fight the urge to find a weaker mate and control him. I had to deliberately search for a mate that is strong willed and emotionally capable of keeping my urges to control at bay. I found that strong character in J.

Although by nature I want to control... I do not feel that is what I NEED to live happily. I NEED someone that can control me, someone that can make me do things for myself, someone that can bring out my best qualities and change my bad qualities. Or rather... someone that can make me want to change those bad qualities in myself and turn them into something good. But I also need to feel loved, cherished, appreciated, and needed by my partner. Serving my Master makes me feel all these things. Serving my Master also makes me feel like I'm living the life at a natural rank. And therefore, I feel "right" in this life.

A weaker man makes me feel superior, makes me feel dominant... makes me want to break him down; and once I do... I'm bored and left feeling empty without a purpose for life.

A stronger man makes me want to kneel at his feel and serve him. He is always a challenge to me and never becomes boring. He gives me purpose for life.

So... why do I submit?
Because I have chosen to do so. It's what I want to do and need to do in order to live my life and feel fulfilled.

2 comments:

  1. "The Master of my castle" check it out

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  2. I definitely can relate with you on choosing men who are "weaker". I still find myself from time to time doing this because they are safe. However at this point in life I like a good challenge. ;)

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